my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
make up your mind