my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
👍
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
