My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
This made me chuckle.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Every house has this drawer
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.