Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that