My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
had to share :’)
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.