My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):