Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up