Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

How to wake up a Beagle

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

She might be a genius

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!