Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

😂💯

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Was it something I said?

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Uh oh 👀

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him