My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.