Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.