Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.