My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.