Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*