Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

my fav colour is also hitler

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on