Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

mom had nothing to worry about

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant