Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Uh oh 👀

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?