Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

It’s his time

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem