Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Note to self: always read the final line

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here