My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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and now we wait
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Be vigilant
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.