My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
asking santa clause for nudes
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep