Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.