My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet