Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.