My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink![]()
You Might Also Like
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.