Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

How actors in movies eat their food

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins