Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions