My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.