Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

secret recipe

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*