My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.