My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
#parenting
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Best mom ever 😂
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.