My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.