Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”