My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!