My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.