My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.