My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Lol
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
i smell a pulitzer
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I want what they have
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.