My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.