My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Not helping
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
