Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

😞

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true