my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
buying dead houseplants to save time
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted