My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Ask yourself, âdo I like finding socks in every room of the house?â and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version âon that farm he was a cowâ which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
thatâs not arthritis. Itâs early onset rigamortus.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
if itâs fantasy football i see no reason why i canât start a dragon at first base
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
đ
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
i donât care if it will âbenefit our communityâ stacy. iâm not gonna take off this garfield costume
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
If the horse track doesnât open back up soon, Iâm gonna lose the only math I remember.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears