Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Icarus loved hot wings.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Actually cracking up @ this

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

British people