Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.