Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*