My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”