My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Wolves should really raise more people.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.