My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
🐿️
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.