Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Yup.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.