my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
you’re so productive for your wage
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.