Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.