my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.