my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Gemma Correll
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?