my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
You Might Also Like
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Heroic Misunderstanding
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.