My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior