My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
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I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I love you…
…r dog.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted