My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.