My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
being a writer on Twitter:
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
In banana years, I am bread.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen