My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.