Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I think I’m gonna be sick

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend