Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

I’m being attacked 😭

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.