Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

Me irl

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I throw rocks from my glass horse.