Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?