Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ