[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
about to have the best blueberries of my life
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us