[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Not now. I’m deglazing.
titanic
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
my first day as a raccoon
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?