My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
HOW DARE YOU
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.