My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
