Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK