My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
