My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second