Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

The Eggorcist

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

the short answer to this question

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn