Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.