Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites