My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Festive toon…
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.