My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
This is not me but this is me
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
worst…sale…ever
Sending in my taxes
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
my mom making me talk to relatives
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
A double negative is a big no-no.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I am patiently waiting for your email
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.