My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
old twitter is back baby
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
well this is just bullshirt
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.